Some Auto Related Tool Humor

Standard
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, convertible tops and club jackets
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, �Son of a….�
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4
Used for levering a vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS
A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT
The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin jd, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the lids of old style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to cut hoses 1 inch too short.
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